My heart breaks a little and shame comes in

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 Last night I lost a patient. 

A kitty cat that myself, 2 other veterinarians, 15 technicians/assistants, and a very dedicated owner have been trying to keep alive and bring back from the edge of a terrible disease for 72 hours. Then he went into cardiac arrest at 2am,  despite our best efforts including 10 minutes of full CPR we could not bring him back.

Every time this happens I have to fight myself out of shame and my heartbreaks a little for both the patient and the humans involved. Shame for not being a good enough doctor, shame for not doing something different, shame for not knowing what could have changed the outcome of the case. I practice shame resilience in many aspects of my life, so I can usually pull myself out of it, but it is hard. And my heart is still a little broken-what heals that is the gratitude I feel from owners and pets when I can relieve suffering. 


What makes last night a bit different than the countless other shifts in which I have lost patients?

It was how the owner responded to the terrible call she got at 2:30am that her companion was never coming home again.

She not only thanked me for my efforts, but she stopped and said 'I know this is so difficult on all of you to lose a patient after working so hard to treat him. I understand you are grieving too.'

This made me cry. Feeling seen by a complete stranger and having her share my grief instantly released the shame I was carrying and allowed me to move on. 

I hope when  I am in a situation like hers that I too can help a stranger in shame overcome it with kind words. 

Thank you for being such a sweet human being.

(For more on shame resilience look into Brene Brown)

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